The pre-match interviewee from hell?

(Sketch)

"Stop, stop, stop!"

The Sky Sports producer stormed into the studio, slamming a clipboard to the floor. "Mister Redknapp, you will have to stop swearing or I'm afraid I'll have to end this interview."

Redknapp shifted in his seat and straightened his tie, his ample belly flopping from one thigh onto the other. "Joke is what this is. Back when I was playing there was none of this P.C. boll-"

"We'll be airing this interview well before the watershed, Mister Redknapp. Please just tone it down."

The Tottenham manager sighed, his cheeks flapping. "I tell you what, if this is the way it's going to be before all these televised games, I'll go back to a proper team like Portsmouth."

"Yes, and that's another thing. Please answer the questions you've been given, you've mentioned Portsmouth enough today."

"But -"

"I don't think the Portsmouth management will appreciate you talking about David James and Nadir Belhadj several months before a transfer window. Please stick to Tottenham Hotspur and Arsenal."

Redknapp poked his interviewer in the rib and gestured towards the producer with a chunky thumb. The interviewer grimaced disapprovingly as the Tottenham manager mouthed 'wanker' and made an unsavoury gesture with his other hand.

The producer adjusted his earpiece as he made his way towards the studio door, barking his orders to the rest of the floor. "Kirsty, get the make-up people back out here, we'll need a lot more on him. Lighting, dim the lights a bit."

A lighting technician scurried after the producer, baffled. "Boss, there's already complete darkness behind him. The viewers won't be able to see a thing if these pre-match interviews get any darker."

"Yes," the producer whispered. "But if we keep it like this he's going to frighten the younger viewers. Just do it."

He left the set as two make-up girls rushed to Redknapp's side holding thick paintbrushes; they promptly began to slop generous layers of foundation across the manager's face. Evading a pinch on the buttocks and ignoring an inappropriate remark, a third girl endeavoured to part and brush his hair into a semblance of a hairstyle.

In the meantime, the interviewer decided to pursue light conversation with the Tottenham manager. "So any plans for the summer, Harry?"

"Oh y'know, I'll be making the boys stay and train for a few extra weeks. Some of 'em need a kick up the backside, they need old-school, traditional management."

The interviewer humoured the manager's boast with a nod.

"Yep, no nonsense, me." Redknapp leaned back, closing his eyes as the make-up girl applied sealant to his pockmarks.

"So I've heard," the interviewer replied. "Have you and your family got anything planned?"

"Well, we've got some more work lined up with Nintendo to promote the Wii. All that family crap, y'know," he scoffed as he rolled his eyes. "You should see the money they're willing to dish out though, it's great pay." He pressed a finger to his grinning lips and lowered his voice. "Just don't tell Revenue & Customs..."

The interviewer was incensed. "Mister Redknapp, I really must -"

The Tottenham manager laughed and shushed him.

"Mister Redknapp, will you please keep still!" The second make-up girl, who had been frantically trying to keep up with his rapid facial movements, was at the end of her tether. "I can't do my job if your face keeps moving like that."

Redknapp sat upright and lowered his hand. "Sorry love, I'll stop talking."

The make-up girl was holding her forehead in frustration and trying to remain calm. "It's not the talking that's the problem."

The producer returned to the set. "Right, all finished?"

The make-up girls stepped away from their project and shrugged, visibly irked. The producer glanced at Redknapp; seeing only minor improvement, he sighed and looked resigned to a drop in standards. "Let's get back to it then."

The producer and crew cleared the floor and the lights were lowered; the interview resumed.

"So, Harry: Tottenham will be facing Arsenal tonight having suffered defeat in their last league game at Sunderland, partly thanks to former Spurs striker Darren Bent. What are your thoughts on his change in fortunes this season?"

Redknapp paused briefly, carefully weighing up the question in his mind.

"Well, crap player at a crap club."

"Stop!"

(As far as I'm aware, Harry Redknapp has not been involved in any financial irregularities... Come on you Gunners!)